To my Lover, the Cinema:
I remember the first day I saw you. I was just a timid child. You, perhaps, were a timeless creature. And still are.
It was not love at first sight though. No Ma’am. Not one bit. Actually (this may seem a little bit offensive and I apologize in advance for that) I grew to like you less the more I got to know you!
I think it was because we were so different. You were always projecting these ideals of hetero-normative love (where the man saved the day and married the woman). You seemed to only seek Eurocentric ideals of beauty (your main characters predominantly white and able-bodied). You seem to only present racial stereotypes and subverted genderqueer identities.
Not to be vain or anything, but I never saw myself in you.
You only represented me in secondary roles, I was either the queer villain or the maid. Never the Shero.
You may not want to hear this but you made me feel unspecial. It was to the point where I couldn’t handle our relationship anymore. I don’t know if you remember the divorce, but I do. I remember singing the papers was a weight off my shoulders, but at the same time I felt so missing.
It was only later when distance made my heart grow fonder that I decided to analyze you one more time. Someone told me to give you a second chance. I don’t recall Who. But even though I didn’t want to, like a lonely-hearted-fool, I did anyway.
It was then that I discovered there was more to you than your Hollywood façade. I spent time studying other parts of your personality: world cinema, documentaries, art films, old family videos. It was then that I began to see myself in you. And only then did I really fall in love with you completely.
There was so much more to you I did not see because I only focused on one part. The negative parts. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for reversing the stereotypes and not seeing your multi-dimensionality too.
I am happy to say that what I have grown to love most ardently about you is when you present the Unknown. Your Animism. I’m not sure if that makes sense….
But Cinema, studying your ontology opens the possibilities of interrogating human relationships, our relationship with the natural world, and the mysterious ghost called Time. Through your filmic medium I aim to revert back to more organic patterns of filmic ideology, how you deal with Time and the Unknown. How you reverts back to the world of interconnectedness between humans, animals, plants, and time. Those deep-seated transmigrations of the soul. I have not seen this film, but after reading about it I see that it raises discourse of the meaning we have come to correlate with the lives we are born into. What is the depth of the love layers between I, you, me, she, he, it, they, we………..Us?
You are always asking about Time.
And I can only say that for me it does not exist.
My only hope for our future is that you haven’t answered these past questions and that we are forever in the present.
I look forward to our next meeting. Until then, I hope you are doing fine wherever you are.
With all my Love,
some upcoming projects and deadlines:
- -MOCA’s Optic Nerve Film Festival, July 15 July 29
- -CCAS, Open Reel, August 4
- -SF MOMA application, July 11
- -deYoung applications, July 29/August 5
- -video for public installation, August 1
- -MoAD Internship, August 17 (personal deadline July 13)
- -Sac State exhibit for “Your Face Is In The Flowers”, November 5
i’m sleepy, tired andvery excited for these possibilities (possibillions?)